clevelandclowns.com

Actor
Burbank, CA

clevelandclowns.com

Aspiring professional entertainer, usually just doin' the usual running with the scientists undertaking the efforts of converting the philosophers and historians to our hypothesis about a scientific method that can build a supportable, evidence-based understanding of our world.
BRAND NEW skinnier than tyra TEE SHIRT!!!!
 
You'll see me soon on one of Marc Norton's TV commercials...We're taping on 9-23, so I'm sure it won't be much longer after that.



MY NEW SHOW: Entry Level: A Staffing -vs- HR Story - Pilot


PLEASE VOTE FOR BOTH MY MOVIE SHORTS @ ROOFTOPCOMEDY.COM! JUST GIVE ME ALL THE STARSIES YOU CAN, PLEASE! EVEN IF IT'S NOT FUNNY TO YOU, ACT LIKE I'M THERE AND I MADE U FEEL COMFY SO YOU'RE FAKE LAUGHING FOR ME! Click Link Below:

Vote for "I Hate Working; Especially When I'm Unemployed" on rooftopcomedy.com


Vote for "Gaggle of Gooses" on rooftopcomedy.com

My Awful Standup @ Improv
clevelandclowns.com PROMO
Gaggle of Gooses

I Hate Working; Especially When I'm Unemployed

Recruiters Care the Mostest


Everyone Want a Panda

My Acting Gig for Cleveland Rape Center





PREVIEW:
ENFORCED HAPPINESS SIGHTINGS-

AWFUL ACTOR B-DAYS FOR October-
Jay Underwood-01, George Peppard-01, Tom Bosley-01, Kelly Ripa-02, Rex Reed-02, George McFarland-02, Ashlee Simpson-03, Eric von Detten-03, Gwen Stefani-03, Tommy Lee-03, Rachael Leigh Cook-04, Alicia Silverstone-04, Kate Winslet-05, Bernie Mac-05, Karen Allen-05, Allen Ludden-05, Amy Jo Johnson-06, Shawn Ashmore-07, Stephanie Zimbalist-08, Sigourney Weaver-08, Paul Hogan-08, Zachery Ty Bryan-09, Steve Burns-09, Scott Bakula-09, Jodi Lyn O'Keefe-10, Ben Vereen-10, Artie Lang-11, Luke Perry-11, Dawn French-11, Kirk Cameron-12, Marie Osmond-13, Nipsey Russell-13, Usher Raymond-14, Harry Anderson-14, Linda Lavin-15, Kellie Martin-16, Suzanne Somers-16, Angela Lansbury-16, Nick Cannon-17, Margot Kidder-17, Jean-Claude Van Damme-18, Dawn Wells-18, Omar Gooding-19, Ty Pennington-19, Divine-19, William Zabka-20, Jeremy Miller-21, Carrie Fisher-21, Jonathan Lipnicki-22, Zac Hanson-22, Annette Funicello-22, David Nelson-24, Sara Lumholdt-25, Tracy Nelson-25, Jon Heder-26, Cary Elwes-26, Lauren Tewes-26, Pat Sajak-26, Kelly Osbourne-27, Jayne Kennedy-27, Carrie Snodgress-27, Ruby Dee-27, Daphne Zuniga-28, Amit Paul-29, Ben Foster-29, Winona Ryder-29, Harry Hamlin-30, Henry Winkler-30, Deidre Hall-31, Michael Landon-31

Golf Cart Girl of the Week-
Amber from Mayfield Hts., OH

Age:22
Hometown: Mayfield Hts., OH
Course: Highland in 44122
Interests: Scuba diving and exploring sunken ships; puzzles
Turn-ons: Nice calves, sensuous tip, sloppy uneducated Mexican accents, Queen Latifa lovers, and good with kids Turn-offs: Sweet nothings that are really about nothing; Seinfeld fanatics
Duration: 6 months
Worst Pickup Bump: "Excuse me, have we fucked yet?"
Phatest Tip: $200
Favorite food: Ranch dressing
Why I like being a Cart Girl: "Seeing all the boys play with their shafts and balls "
Future plans: Zoology
School: Loyola University @ Chicago
Major: Marketing
Sexual Orientation: Straight ("sorry guys")
Greatest Accomplishment: 7th Grade - Creative Writer Award
Marital Status: Single
CD That's In My Car Right Now: Queen Latifa- Black Reign
Last Movie You Watched and Approved: Bringing Down the House
Milk Preference: Soy

SHORT & STRAIGHT GOLFER OF THE WEEK-
Henry from Shaker Hts., OH

Age: 79
Handicap: 15
Avg. Distance: 97 yards
Hooks: 0.14%
Slices: 0.61%
Avg. GIR: 17
Avg. Fairways: 17
Avg. Club Head Speed - 62
Avg. Degree of Club Face @ Impact - 19° Open
Avg Impact - .50" Toe
Swing path - 6° In-Out
AWFUL LOCAL COMMERCIAL OF THE MONTH-

Marc the "Norton Furniture Guy"

Patio Enclosures Idiot Broad

Andrews Cycles Moron Who No One Wants to Be Like

Sofa Express Asshole Who Is So Annoying and Doesn't Know Shart

Those Cheesy "Car Guys" Who Don't Know Dick About Cars


hh gregg gguys. ssimply mmoronns.


Yaz! Birth Control Gals Who Talk Regularly Like Walking Billboards




EBAY ITEM OF THE WEEK-

MY RIGHT FOOT


THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN-

Aquafina and the rest of the water world. This shit tastes like Louie Anderson's ball sweat after having been paraded around in mesh shorts wearing no underwear for 32 straight hours and jacked up on yay.


Hostess Ho-Hos ($3.21) and Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls ($.98). Ho-Hos taste much better. Choosing Swiss would be like choosing to keep the brown part of your asshole when you could receive a free bleaching...Although, that shit's weird (insert fart noise).


Drinking liquids through sipping straws and doing it the regular drinking way. If you drink it, it quenches your thirst much more...just think about your whole mouth getting filled with the fresh, delicious treat as opposed to just your throat.


Stand-up and standing up. About 98.7% of the world does the latter while a 987th of that doing the former. You can't really be good at the latter, although I've been proven wrong about that once. I saw someone who was so good at the latter that I told him he should try the former, because he would win over the audiences so quick just by doing the latter. Man that guy was good at standing up!


Dank and Schwag. One's $20 and other is $50 for the 8-track. One causes headaches while the other makes you forget what your head is. One works sometimes and other is guaranteed (comes with a box of shit with a "Guarantee" mark on it). One can get sold in the place of the other if you can find the right college kids. Oh! And tell the brothers in East Cleveland that I'm not one of those college kids.


FISHERFEM OF THE MONTH-

Monica from Huron, OH

Type of Fish: Smallmouth Bass
Number of Fish: 3
Location: Sandusky, OH
Test Line (lbs): 6
Rod Type-Berkley Ultra Light
Lure: Firetiger Jointed Rapala
Technique: Casting
Favorite Thing to Do On Land: Have sleepovers with my girlfriends and invite random guys to watch and join.

COMIC STRIPS-

Sergio Garcia is Gay...I've Got the Proof






OFFICE CHEAT OF THE WEEK:-

1. When reading a personal email, copy and paste the message into a new email message (within your office email software program), so the boss thinks its all business
2. Pick up the phone and snag a quick nap...the boss will think you're on the phone with someone and deep into conversation; but put sticky note over part that reflects activity on the phone, in case your boss worked @ Aerotek.

WHITE RUSSIAN REVEALINGS:-

Adam from Kent, OH

Event: Brooks McDowell&..39;s Wedding (post-reception)
Date: July 7, 2006
Location: The Bentram Conference Center in 44202
.. of WR Pounded: 16
.. of WR Shots: 1
.. of WR Doubles: 6
Outfit Spill: Yes - 1 time
Designated Driver: No
Anything Fun Happen While Driving Home: Gave my mistrer a hummer in my husband's car while my nephew drove us home and watched in the review mirror taping it for a low budget gay website; should be a money maker.
Favorite Color: Orange
Preferred Drink: White Russian
Smoker: No
Preferred Brand: No
Tatoos: None
Piercings: None
Self-Proclaimed Nymph: Yes - "I crave it. Baaaaaad."
PLUS SIZE PLUMPITY PLUMP PLUMP OF THE FATTY FAT FRIDAY-
Fancy from Frankfurt, Germany

Age: 27

CC: What was your very first paying job and how long did it take you to get it after you found an agency?
F: My first paying job was for Master Sam's Furniture Department store in East Cleveland off of St. Clair and I booked it the day after the year and half anniversary of my contract.

CC: How often do you work?
F: Before 9/11, I was working on average once a bi-yearly during off-season seasonal time.

CC: Have you worked overseas or abroad?
F: I haven't been fortunate enough to travel afloat yet, although there has been some interest from some German clients so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for this season.

CC: Is being a plus size model as exciting as you thought it would be?
F: It didn't really sink in until I went home for Christmas this year. The newspaper my brother makes for the family did a story on me and I was recognized when I went out into the kitchen. That was a bit surreal, I kept thinking "I'm nobody!!!" but when you come from a small town and everyone stays there forever, it means something when someone does leave to follow their dreams. The best part was when a group of my sisters who were all bigger approached me and told me that seeing me in a catalogue made them feel beautiful because their bodies looked like mine. That is exciting, knowing that in some way you're impacting people's lives in a positive way.

CC: What has been your most exciting or intimidating experience as a model?
F: Not long after I started last season I was at a casting for a Chilean catalogue. There were about 200 girls there who were a size 3 and one of me. Thankfully another plus model arrived and we started talking, she looked familiar but it didn't click until I looked at her book. I blurted out, "Oh my God!!! You're Barbara Brickner!!! It's so nice to meet you, I'm a huge fan!!!" She just laughed and said thank you and graciously pretended not to notice what a dork I was :-) The next thing I know I'm surrounded by Kayla Laurene, Liis and Ginger... three of the biggest names in the plus world. Needless to say I managed to get through the rest of the casting and before I left stumbled through a star struck speech about how they were such an inspiration to me. That has probably been my dorkiest and yet the coolest moment as of yet because that was when it really started to feel real fatty fat.

CC: What advice would you give to the aspiring/beginning plus-size model?
F: The fashion industry is fiercly competitive where unobtainable ideals are the standard. So my advice is: 1. Be honest with yourself and realistic in your goals. 2. Be prepared to be rejected....A LOT! 3. LISTEN to what other models, agents, stylists, photgraphers, or any industry professional has to say. 4. Remember, you agent works for you so don't let anyone take control of your career away from you.

CC: How has PlusModels influenced your career or helped you out?
F: PlusModels was instrumental in starting my career. This site is where I located the addresses and how to's for my mass mailing to the agencies. I gained a good deal of invaluable knowledge from the other models and photgraphers on this site in regard to handling situations and making decisions because they'd already "been there" and "done that".

CC: What are your long term goals in the industry?
F: I would love to maintain a modeling career for as long as possible, however my passion is performing and I'm hoping this will be a means to an end in regard to my acting career. The contacts and networking modeling affords me are truly an invaluable resource.

CC: Ho-Hos or Twinkies?
F: Twinkies

CC: Sprees or Chewy Sprees?
F: Chewy Sprees

CC: Porn in the Future:
F: Future?

COMPANY SOFTBALL PLAYER OF THE WEEK-

Jon Pittman from Kent, OH

Company: Mortgage Zone
Title: Jr. Loan Officer
Team: The Sticky Fingered PedoPhillies
Headslides Total: 6
Preferred Position: 3B
Wristbands/Headbands Preference: Both
Batting Average: It's softball...who cares?



Founder and Operator of www.clevelandclowns.com